A Drive to a Lost Home (Explanation included)

While driving a normal drive to town, my car took an unexpected turn, forcefully enabling autopilot. I begin to struggle, and try numerous times to disable the autopilot I had no idea was installed. After minutes of immense fear I start to recognize the path I’ve been forced to take. I haven’t been to this destination in quite some time, and while it holds many fears, and much hurt, I am oddly calmed by the recognition. While I’m traveling I come to terms with the fact there is no escape of the vehicle I’m trapped in. As I think back to try and remember when autopilot could have possible been installed, I begin to understand that the car was manufactured this way and it’s been there the whole time. I’d forgotten the time I read about it in the owners manual, or the time I was test driving it. For a time I had no need to go to the destination preprogrammed into the vehicle. When the vehicle hit a pothole forcing it to a stop, I could finally climb out. I first look around to see the damage it caused, yet there was none. When I look up in confusion I recall my surroundings and notice that I’ve arrived. While examining what’s around I know the only way to leave is to enter the structure first. So I walk up to the large metal double doors with much outward confidence, but filled with so much worry. I finally build up the courage to open the doors, but am knocked back with the aroma of anxiety, insecurity, and depression. The same smells I sought refuge in for many months. being away from my once safe place for so long, I realize it’s only full of danger and if I go in I’ll be trapped until I can finally escape heroically like I did once before. Consumed by fear I run, leaving my vehicle behind and the castle’s once locked doors wide open…

Explanation:

The car or vehicle in this piece represents my mind taking me into deep thought that often creates a sadness in me and would also do so to most people in our society. Deep thought is sometimes remarkably hard to comprehend and can occasionally put you into a disappointing mood.

The autopilot resembles the lack of ability to avoid the deep and saddening thoughts, which I believe are often necessary for growth. Our minds are wired to question, debate, and doubt. It’s in our human natures to do so. We even see it in the beginning of time when Adam and Eve question the fruit from the tree, debate God’s command to not eat it, and doubt the punishment they would later be given from eating that forbidden fruit.

The castle or structure symbolizes a place I go mentally when I am struggling (anxiety, insecurity, depression). The imagery of a castle is to try and put a mental confinement on those mental states giving them a limit to where they can affect us. I believe many times we consciously allow ourselves to enter these state of minds because we give them (satan) no restraint on our lives. I write about this symbol of a castle in another one of my pieces called “Locked Castle,” which gives a picture into that mental place. Reading that will give you a better understanding as to why I would be filled with such worry and begin to run.

Lonely Minded

Everyday is a day in isolation without any association with people besides the messages I receive through my phone screen. “I’m not enough.” Over and over I take in the lies because somewhere in my empty mind I believe I’m something more without anything to support my hypothesis I just can’t let go of my hope. I’m beginning a war between hope and failure shooting at both sides praying I’ll survive. Finally I’m pulled to safety by anxiety creating a hell sheltered by the faded views of life. No one can get in and no one can get out but I’m satisfied because it’s comfortable here. Yet as the days pass im developing fear that will soon lead to people knowing I’m not alright. I’m still wondering if it will be a forever fight or a short battle but either way I can only wish for light in the end. But until then I will continue to deal with the undealable until I can finally bear weight of it all. With my walls crashing in I’m struggling not to fall into the depths of depression where every angel in hell is let loose to attack on any emotion in sight and sadly, sadly I’d be in the center of it all. Just some help could save me but I don’t want to be a burden so close the curtain, shut off the lights and make known to no one that we are here. I can only think about the people I would hurt if I ended it now. Mom, dad, and that girl. It’s a stretch but maybe just maybe my heart with beat out of my chest where she can find it and finally know I exist. That’s a couple of people and I wouldn’t feel bad because for once I wouldn’t feel but I, I can’t do that to them, so I’ll stick it out for one more day week or even a year.

Ghosted Mansion

I always find myself alone with music infested ears and overwhelmed with the feelings I have. I’m starting to question how much longer I keep it all bottled up because the more I keep this in the stronger and stronger the feelings get. It’s only a matter of time before my feelings spill out of me like a waterfall and everyone knows me better than I know myself. But still my feelings are stronger than my knowledge because I keep trying for another chance to feel love again but the harder I push the harder I fall, flat on my face once again feeling more desperate for love than ever before. But where, just where can I go from here. I’m lost in a lonely mansion that is my mind and every time I open a door it’s just a new hallway with more doors but which one is the exit. I’ve been here too many nights alone but followed by the thoughts that haunt me. I just can’t get away I’m trapped here and no matter how loud I scream help I’m not heard for no one is here but me and the ghosts I can’t hide from. It’s always dark in my mansion, but there are so many lights with nonexistent switches. This place is big, I’ve explored all over but I swear there’s always new rooms. If I’m not careful I will become too comfortable and add another to my ghostly party. I’m too scared to see their faces but I’ve studied hard to know they all sound like me.

Lost Thoughts

I’m the same place everyday. Alone, protected by the darkness of my room, seeking fulfillment, yet still so empty. Why do I still crave to be injected with love after I’ve been so infected with the hate and lies of sin so many times in the past? As I search in the same place as so many times before, again I fall into the obvious but still hidden trap I feel I know like the back of my hand. I’ve been stuck before so I’m not scared by this rather comfortably bruised. No tears are shed for I think they all where released the first time I slipped. I often convince myself I am one like a disease, infecting anyone who pursues me. and I begin: if you stay I warn you.. I may be the reason for your heart to die. Learn from the scars I’ve caused many. Live and grow- love and prosper. I will love you till the day I die but the scars come from when you fade. Some might call me an assassin, killing anything in disagreement loving everything that hardly lasts. Finally the last prosperous and lively love is in sight and I click out of the depressing lecture I give myself, and begin hoping for love once more.

Governmental Mind

  • I’m realizing the reality of life more and more everyday and sometimes it seems to grab hold of my collar and pull me down to its level and speak words that convince me to remain in the vacancy of my mind, and agree with the principles that run the violent dictatorship present in my head. In many ways my mind is much like a government, a nation, at war without a stable leader to show them the way. For a time the leader will be a peaceful man the seeks the opinions of his peers and attempts to make the people of his nation strive and prosper, other times it’s a man crazy enough to believe the lies of the spirits of the underworld, a man that acts on his lost thoughts, putting the people of the nation he serves into oppression, not because it’s his desire to force them into misery but rather because he himself is in oppression. With a hardened heart and walls made of thick stone surrounding his city he feels comfortable in the uncomfortable. An explanation as to why he feels safe in such a dangerous place is unknown but is understood to be true, just like the false teachings many are taught today. Even in the purest times of life losing ourselves in the vacant throne of our mind is very possible and frankly too easy.

    • LOCKED CASTLE

    And I woke up.. again, after I prayed God would allow me home. God, I’m tired of this pain, I’m tired of constant living in a bubble where I breath in the dark fumes of depression, and feel my body and mind trying to reject the outcome but I’m simply not strong enough. I’m on a tight rope, and underneath me is the depths of the earth where if I fall I will be consumed by every angel of hell and eaten alive by my thoughts that will trap me in a comforting castle that lock the pain in behind the large metal double doors. It’s beautiful in there.. to your left you have a mirror haunted by your eyes that deceive you to see what you hate, to your right you have the dining room and a table that sits the guests that have lived with me for years, some of which I hold very tightly. Behind me is a staircase that leads up to the rooms I rent out to depression, anxiety, and numerous insecurities. Down the hall is the living room, very large and empty. Not much living is done here mostly surviving, that is if you can handle the weight of everything. The furniture in the room are like no other, beautiful pieces that all match, incredibly comfortable, forcing you to never want to leave. There is no kitchen, because eating isn’t a priority. If there is any food found you probably won’t even be hungry even though you haven’t eaten in a while. Lastly in the very back corner of the living space is my room. It’s dark in here, even with the lights on. I sleep on the hard floor, because if I was comfortable I’d never travel this castle. I’d be alone and not converse with what haunts me and that’s the whole point of… here.